Sunday, October 31, 2010

Haters and Goblins to the Left

Halloween was cooler when it was about the candy, you know? Now it's all commercial and about what the Fat Cats think is appropriate or not. We all just shuffle along like slaves to the corporate propaganda that halloween is a major event where people have parties and drink expensive wines and eat expensive witch-finger shaped foods.
But not me, man. I won't be no shill that says Halloween is about getting mad slizzard and then throwing up in Jack-o-lanterns on your walk home from the frat house. Noway, Jose. I'm gonna stay true to the origins of the holiday and say proudly that, "I'm in it for the candy, bitches".
Fuck all y'all that don't represent the true spirit of Halloween by disrespectin the sugar side of this most bodacious holiday. It's all turning tricks (judging by women's costumes) and there's no treat except if the Sexy Fraulein has one too many Jager shots and is just inebriated enough to maintain control of her mouth-tongue motor functions but not too drunk to either pass out in your buddies bathroom with your pants around your ankles or to lose mouth-tongue motor functions and reflexively clamp her jaw shut on whatever part of you is unfortunate enought o be between her teeth. All girls should be deepthroating are Tootsie Rolls and the only thing guys should be tonguing are lollipops. Let's leave all these sexual, drunken shenanigans to New Years eve, where after midnight the world may not be there any more.
Hasn't watching teen slasher movies shown you people anything? Loose morals always end up in loose entrails. And yeah sometimes a trick-or-treating kid gets an axe in the face but you take risks all the time. Partaking in sex, drugs and alcohol on Halloween is asking to be skewered on a tentpole. Simple as that. Go door to door looking for some Kit Kat bars does not mean that you will soon be locked in a basement surrounded by corpses but rather locked in your room surrounded by discarded candy wrappers. The only reason that you would be horribly butchered on Halloween as a result of getting candy is because of all the people who are out getting their freak-on.
So I stand vigilant against the norm that is perpetuated by these government big-wigs and I say "Keep the 'treat' in 'Trick-or Treat'". My life just might depend on it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Food Baby

I ate wayyyyyyyyyy too much

I only hope my food baby doesn't grow up to become part of the Hell's Angels Cakes.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


I just want some cookies. But not just any cookies, I want melt in your mouth, fresh from the oven, the chocolatiest, doughiest, most awe inspiring cookies ever made.

I went to Safeway and got a dozen that should be called Chocolate Abortions because they were that bad. They had these little centres that exploded with chocolate but in all the wrong ways. Like when a guy doesn't tell you he's going to.....never mind. They were terrible and disappointing like when a guy takes you down by the lake with a bottle of Cristal, some cream cheese, a skull prop from a local production of Hamlet and then he.....never mind.

So help me with the petition to get Safeway to make some better cookies or to have a program where I can hire an old lady to bake me cookies so there is a fresh batch waiting for me every day. Whichever is easier.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Insert Appropriate Whitesnake Lyric

There is a looming heaviness on the horizon. Beyond that lies something dark and treacherous. It will be an interesting weekend to say the least. But I must prevail. I will prevail. I feel the vice grip a little tighter every day and hopefully after this weekend I will feel the glorious relief of it receding by a few turns before it starts to wind again.
In my desperate need for inspiration and reassurance I am reminded of a parable my father once told me:

"Two men walk down a road in a wood. They each carry packs that are heavy and burdensome. Eventually they start to get weary when they come to a fork. The path to the right leads to certain doom and the path to the left also leads to certain doom. Their packs are heavy and they can't take the weight for much longer. They must decide quickly or it will certainly be their doom"

It's actually not that helpful.