Monday, September 13, 2010


Money is so sweet. I don't know who ever said that it was the root of all evil but that person never flew first class or ate filet mignon that came from a cow who was killed four hours prior to being consumed. There are so many great things in life that are only available to the very rich and rightly so! Everybody can't hang-glide while eating octopus eggs and land on a giant, copyrighted statue of Mickey Mouse madeout of gold and moon rocks. These things need to be kept out of reach of the majority of the population so we allbecome infatuated and tantalized with the notion of one day doing the things that so few have done. We become slaves to an idea and as long as we keep believing that one day we could attain these forbidden fruits our lives don't seemquite so pathetic. That is why the lottery is abrilliant idea. It is the carrot on the end of the silver chain attached to the wooden rod (made with wood from George Washington's teeth, Lincoln's log cabin and Cleveland's coffin). I love the lottery. Actually, what I love more than the lottery itself is the thought of winning the lottery and what I love more than the thought of winning the lottery is: wining the lottery. If I won the lottery it would be the end of all my problems."Mo money, mo problems"?
Sorry Ma$e, it doesn't work like that, Pal. All that happens when one acquires money is instant gratification when they buy themselves that first delight. That first reward for their hard work all these years. The first treat and certainly not the last.
Since all I do is think about money I thought maybe I would actually write down some things I would do if I won the lottery.

Buy Nice Suits

I'd buy the nicest shit you ever saw. I'd be rollin up in der so fine you'd be all, "Who dat GQ lookin' mofucka o'er der?" and I'd be all like, "Calvin Cline up in hurr, bitches! You best believe biddies from tha 50's wanna get all up in dis"
They would be so nice that I would have to hire hit men to kill everyone who ever saw me wear them, save for one person who was known to exaggerate. They would be the only person in the world who would know what true beauty was and they would tell the rest.

Go to dinner at Buckingham Palace
I'd definitely see how they do things in the ritziest of places (not the Ritz though) and see what hi-jinx would ensue. Maybe the Queen and I would have a shot-gunning contest. Or maybe I would just kick it old school and have a freestyle rap competition with some beef eaters (most of my material would be in reference to them "eating my beef"). Whatever the situation, it would be killer fun and wicked expensive.

Buy a car just to smash it
I would most definitely buy a car but I would immediately smash it. Right there in the show room. I'd walk to a Mercedes, Ferrari, Porsche, Hugo Boss, any big-name car retailer, select a showroom model, buy it without negotiating a price and handing the salesman a briefcase full of money, and then pull out a sledgehammer and go to town on the bitch (The car, not the salesmen. I'll get to homicide soon enough). I'd like to watch and see what everyone in the dealership would do. And the answer is: NOT A DAMN THING! It's my car and I can do whatever I want with it. I'd throw some money on the floor as I walked away or something else cool while everyone would just be standing there, dumbfounded. Then I'd light up a smoke and hop into a mini-van full of kids in soccer uniforms that was driven by the hottest of all moms. We would stop for ice cream.

Become a rapper
All rappers don't have money initially but when they do get money their music becomes the soundtrack of the lives of college girls who get their skank on. They would dance away their daddy-issues as they grinded their junk into some stranger's business as my drug-influenced beats and money-centered lyrics reverberated off the walls of the skeeziest bar that has a townie to frat-boy ratio of 2:1.
I like those odds.

Eat someone

Don't look at me like that, you know you would too. I'd pay for their funeral and I'd buy their artwork that was "too risque" for the internet.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Crispin Glover Fans: Don't Get Excited

New back to the future convention. You know that new geek you've been wanting to get on? Well take a look at this:

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Wonder Land

You know when you really want to go on a water slide because everyone talks about it and you've been around water slides your whole life? You get really worked up and decide to take the plunge only to realize that it's the busiest part of the park because you went at noon, the warmest part of the day. So you wait in line and worry that you're not going to get on because of all the people also waiting but then somehow you get lucky and get on the slide. But then as you're on the slide you don't enjoy it as much and it's not quite as fun as you'd thought it would be. And then as you get to the bottom you see a bunch of people you know in line, all talking about how exciting the slide is going to be. You wander around the park and see how much fun people are having in the relatively small lines to the haunted houses and various roller coasters. There are obviously still lines but you're not part of the bustling crowd of people clamoring to get onto the ride. Your envy can't help but be stirred. So you trudge back to the water park and line up again and are disappointed by the people you see. You expected a different sort of person to be here. You thought you would be different but the slide doesn't change you and maybe that was the problem. You don't look forward to the slide that much. And the people who have seasons passes aren't as you expected them either. It seems like too much trouble to get out of line for the slide and try to line up somewhere else because you might be too short to ride the other attractions. But you're stuck in the park until it closes so you may as well do something. How can you explain to people that you don't want to go on any ride in the park? What else would you do? Just line up and make the best of it because it's a long way until closing time.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I Think I Just Leroy Jenkins-ed This Shit

Been a while. Lots of things have happened. Let's keep it short: worked a bit made a little money and am now in freakout mode. I went to some friends' wedding (the same wedding; they were both my friend, independently of each other) which was awesome as well. That was quite nice. But now it's just you and me again isn't it, Internet. I want to throw my concerns and worries into you like paper inside glass bottles being hurled into the sea. Back in the 20's sending out a message in a bottle would have been similar to writing a blog on the internet but with less assurance that someone (or anyone) would read it. Although, this blog in particular compares pretty closely. But I wonder if perhaps in the future unnecessary blogs like this would be considered littering, as messages in bottles would be considered today. There's a thought to consider. Another one to consider is this:

Biggest mistake ever or just staying the course to better things?

I'm actually probably more like Hamlet than Leroy since he doesn't do anything whereas Mr. Jenkins is obviously a go-getter.

I'm actually probably more like that one pretentious asshole you know (hopefully there's only one) who compares themselves to characters from Shakespeare. FML